desperation noodles: a hangover story

You wake up on Sunday and everything is just the worst. 

Did you accidentally take black car service to Soul Night and try to pay twice? 
Did you order 3 hot rum cocktails before you even made it to that venue? 
Did you forget to wear a coat because 'it's not that cold' and end up stuck in a line around the block, squatting next to the emergency door for warmth? 
Did you try to get your boyfriend to fight a guy who cupped your buttcheek on the dance floor while 'batting' your eyes 'seductively' so he gets you a second PBR you completely don't need? 
Did you try to flag down a Domino's delivery guy as a taxi? 
Did you then eat a steak burrito at 3am with extra hot sauce off of a styrofoam plate while people in mardi gras costumes bitched about the sogginess of the chilaquiles? 
Did you smoke 50% of a clove e-cig cartridge, equalling half an entire pack of cigarettes? 
Did you use mouthwash as a substitute for toothpaste? 
Did you remember to drink the two glasses of water you poured yourself, just before passing out in a man's armpit den of Old Spice Pure Sport and metabolized beer body odor?

YES YOU FUCKING DID.

desperation noodles

But there's that, and there's dealing with it, on day 12 of no grocery shopping, wondering how survival can be possible.

mmmm MSG

mmmm MSG

RECIPE

Effortful time: 2 minutes
Total time: 10 minutes
Serves: just you

YOU NEED

  • 1 pack of ramen noodles
  • 3/4 packet of the ramen seasoning 
  • 1 cup chicken broth (water if you don't have it)
  • 1/2 tsp. each: red pepper flakes, garlic powder, oregano
  • Heavy dose of Sriracha 
  • No dignity

MAKE IT

  1. This isn't a recipe. You don't need to follow it.
  2. Pour chicken broth over broken ramen noodles. Microwave for 1:50, then remove, stir, mash, and cook for :50.
  3. Dump in all the herbs and spice pack.
  4. Sriracha. 
  5. Drink more water.
  6. Watch women's figure skating championships on Youtube. Wonder if you have untapped potential you've failed to realize.
  7. Shower. Wonder if you are sweating out alcohol amid the steam. Realize you are correct and the faint booze odor you smell is real and coming from your pores.
  8. Curl up in a ball in your towel.
  9. Resolve to go grocery shopping. You are going to go grocery shopping.