garlic butter roasted mushrooms

My boyfriend hates. Hates. HATES. MUSHROOMS. He will not touch them, look at them, entertain them, buy them, or eat them. If I bring them home, he will make vomit sounds and make me promise I'm not going to sneak them into his food; if they show up in Chinese food, the entire thing gets trashed because they are a contaminant. He says they are 'not food' because they are a fungus that taste like dirty feet sponges, but also says they are bland. This is not the first time I have heard this from a man. This is not the first time I have heard this from a man who thinks Doritos Locos Tacos are a 'a food', either. Opinions are disqualified. Regardless, as a kind and generous partner who expects freedom from bananas and is the first to sniff-test and ask 'did you eat guacamole today' when I sense onion in the room, I feel it is a fair compromise to avoid mushrooms touching his side of the pizza.

Whenever no one needs to smell me or my house for the next few days, every meal includes:

  • Heaps of garlic
  • Legitimate onion
  • Mushrooms

We decided on a purist's route:

creepy guest hand came to visit

These are almost a joke to make: 20 minutes, the sauce creates itself, the smell is amazing. I imagine this would be a great appetizer food if you are the kind of person who has people over for appetizers. This plus a block of Unexpected Cheddar was an acceptable dinner. Soaking bread crusts in the sauce and then topping with a cheese chunk made for an interesting sandwich experience.

PS - don't you dare leave out the capers.


Effortful time: 5 minutes
Total time: 20 minutes
Serves: 2


  • 14 oz. whole cremini mushrooms, cleaned

  • 1 tsp. capers, chopped

  • 2 tbsp. butter, cubed

  • 1 tbsp. vegetable oil (I used grapeseed)

  • 1 tsp. parsley, chopped

  • 2 cloves garlic, minced

  • Juice of 1 lemon

  • Salt and pepper

  • Soft, hearty bread


  1. Preheat the oven to 450°. If you have a toaster oven, as I do, this will make your house much less hot.
  2. Using a damp paper towel, prep the mushrooms by gently wiping out their dirt folds and trying not to get grossed out. Chop off the stems and discard. Quarter any huge mushrooms -- I try to use small ones.
  3. On the same cutting board, hack up the capers, parsley, and garlic into teeny tiny pieces.
  4. Throw everything into a casserole dish, so that mushrooms are in roughly a single layer (if they're stacked, they won't roast). Toss by hand with oil and add the 1/2" cubes of butter to the mix, spreading them evenly throughout. Squeeze lemon on top and make sure everything is coated. Salt and pepper to taste.
  5. Roast, uncovered, for 15 minutes. If you use a bigger dish you'll need a longer time window.
  6. Take the plump little temptresses and RAVAGE THEM ALL and devour their soft flesh and then soak up their juices with big swaths of crusty bread and don't feel any guilt no guilt at all NONE AT ALL
  7. Apologize to your boyfriend when he asks you what you did last night.